


Imminent Collapse

by winterbitch (WinterLadyy)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Angst, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Heartbreak, Hurt Alec, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Math and Science Metaphors, Stars, astrophysics methaphors, more like
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 12:42:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12705198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterLadyy/pseuds/winterbitch
Summary: He looked up and smiled sadly. New York lights made it impossible to see starts, but he could imagine them all the same, distant and beautiful, giant balls of fire and energy, existing for so long. They’ve seen so much, and they would continue to watch, untouched and undisturbed by petty human problems. Their hearts were made of elements immune to emotions, and they had long lives ahead of them, before the gravity won the war and made their cores, their hearts, collapse, transform into something different.And wasn't that what happened to humans? They existed, until something happened to change their hearts, either breaking them or building them anew. Just like stars, they could continue to exist to change into black holes.





	Imminent Collapse

**Author's Note:**

> My headcanon is that Alec found himself fascinated with stars and astrophysics, because he's such a nerd tbh.

Watching Magnus smile and talk with others both hurt and soothed his aching heart. He had never wanted to see the warlock in pain, never wanted to be the source of it, but as always life liked to show him its true colors. Just when he had thought that they could have it, that he was finally loved, that nothing could break them he had to fuck it up… Only, was it really fucking up? Yes, he shouldn’t have lied, but was it really the reason to forget about everything they’ve been through? Was he really worth so little, meant so little that it was all it took to ruin them?

Alec sighed deeply and set the beer down, closing his eyes for a moment. The blazing hot pain in his chest spread once again, with nothing to distract him from it, and he found himself choking a bit, the emotional hurt turning almost physical. It was like a poisoned dagger in his chest, and he actually knew what it felt like. His mother had told him, so long ago, that love almost hurt, which was why the Shadowhunters tried to avoid their feelings, focusing on duty, on the fight. Because, just like Magnus had said, they were all hoping that the psychical pain would distract them from the emotional one. 

Shadowhunters, he mused silently, were terribly fragile creatures, so astonishingly easy to hurt, to destroy completely. It was a good thing that almost no one knew, no one believed the whispered legend, a myth. After all, the heart was all creatures weak point, and it was so easy to crush a Shadowhunter’s heart, if only you owned it. And Magnus owned his heart, had it its his hands and for quite some time Alec had thought that it was safe there, protected and appreciated. Oh, how foolish he had been, how naive. 

He shook his head and smoothly rose from his seat, sliding between people, smiling and congratulating, being the good leader, strong and sure. Only, in the inside he was broken, so very broken, with his heart bleeding and aching, Magnus’ cold eyes so fresh in his memory. Alec used the moment when L uke decided to raise his glass, causing everyone to cheer and slipped out of the building, the cool night air soothing his skin.

He wasn’t sure why he was reacting that way, but he felt feverish and uncomfortable, just like he did after a serious injury, his whole body aching. There wasn’t much on Shadowhunters’ love life, but Alec suspected that their break-up had something to do with it, that it caused this awful pain. He had been stabbed and slashed with claws, poisoned, burned and hit, but nothing felt quite as bad as this, nothing made his mind go crazy, almost hazy like that. 

Alec leaned against the wall, his body suddenly weak as the adrenaline worn out, his parabatai rune still fresh, the skin tender and hot. He still didn’t know what exactly had happened, but he knew that Jace had died, and for a moment, for that terrible moment, he was all alone, without his soul’s other half, without his heart, which lay crushed in Magnus hands. He felt as if everything happened too fast, like just a few days earlier he had been waking up with his warlock in his arms, so soft and warm, golden light on red sheets. He couldn’t have imagined, that kissing Magnus goodbye that day, before going to work would be the last time they kissed.

The thought made him squeeze his eyes shut. He had no tears left, not after all those nights of crying himself to sleep and then picking himself up in the morning, becoming the Head, the leader and archer, even when his whole world was coming down in pieces and ashes. So, standing there in a dark alley, neon light illuminating the night, he was just breathing shallowly, everything aching, everything so /wrong/ in too many ways to count.

For a moment, Alec thought about finding Magnus and talking to him, just to try one last time to save them, to confess everything, but then he remembered all those times he had tried, only to be shut down, with cold eyes and even colder “Shadowhunter” on those soft lips. People liked to say he was a strong man, but he knew that he wasn't strong enough to face another rejection, to see those hurt eyes, devoid of all warmth. Like meeting a stranger. Only, that stranger was his whole world, his heart and smile, sometimes his only reason to get up in the morning. 

He couldn’t do that again, couldn’t go there and meet a stranger instead of his boyfriend, he just wasn’t strong enough. Alec wasn’t sure if that made him a coward, or just a man in love, with his heart broken and bleeding. There was a limited number of times he could face Magnus and get hurt again, before it all became too much and he was sure that he had just met his limit. He couldn’t force himself to try again, to receive another blade to the hole, where his heart used to be, he just couldn’t.

Alec glanced inside, Downworlders and Shadowhunters smiling together, celebrating their victory, cheerful cries breaking the silent night. He smiled, a sad little smile and started walking, into the city, every step both lighter and more painful. He didn't want to leave, he wanted to gaze at Magnus all night, as it was probably the last time he could do it so freely, but he needed to, needed to get away from it. Maybe a moment for himself, to try and process everything. Where he could just be Alec, not Lightwood, not the Head, not a leader. Just a heartbroken man.

He walked and walked, night falling all around him, cold air soothing rather than biting. There were people walking around him, some of them happy, some of them sad, with tears running down their faces and red eyes, and he just walked, invisible, head down, hands in the pockets. Alec let his thoughts wander, but, for the first time in some time, his head was empty, just him and New York bathed in moonlight, others unimportant, irrelevant.

Alec wasn’t sure how he ended up on top of some building, looking over the city and water, eyes unseeing but dry. Maybe he wanted just to escape somewhere, where others wouldn’t look for him, somewhere silent and dark, just him and the night. Where there was no Magnus and his cold brown eyes, no red parabatai rune, no death and blood. He walked closer to the edge and breathed deeply.

Suddenly, he found himself longing for mountains, majestic and tall, towering over the rest of the world, only nature around him. He looked up and smiled sadly. New York lights made it impossible to see starts, but he could imagine them all the same, distant and beautiful, giant balls of fire and energy, existing for so long. They’ve seen so much, and they would continue to watch, untouched and undisturbed by petty human problems. Their hearts were made of elements immune to emotions, and they had long lives ahead of them.

He smiled. Stars had it so easy, their hearts could either turn to neutron stars, collapsed cores or into a black hole. When he was younger, Alec liked to imagine that black holes were created only when the star’s heart was broken, in so much pain that it would rather turn into something different than exist anymore. Turn into something so unique and strange that no one knew much about it. Alec glanced at his own chest and covered it with his hand. Maybe, if the pain was great enough, he could turn into a black hole too? Or into a pulsar, mysterious signpost in an endless universe, shining bright and small, showing the way.

Alec sighed and turned his eyes back to the sky. A few months ago, before the whole Clary mess, he had found a quote, one that he couldn’t figure out for weeks, it always sitting at the back of his mind. “What is human existence? It turns out it’s pretty simple: We are dead stars, looking back up at the sky.” While he had read enough to know somewhat, the scientific reasoning behind that sentence, there was also the other side, the other understanding of it. And, in that moment, Alec wished he could still be an alive star, burning bright in the void, using the hydrogen and creating energy, resisting against the gravity. It would be so much easier, because their second lives were just too difficult for him. Maybe, he was a star stuck inside a lesser body, waiting for the imminent collapse. Maybe he could find peace this time, when he run out of strength to put the resistance against the gravity. Maybe his heart would turn into a black hole, this time. Maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think? I wrote it in like an hour because I'm a mess and I'm trying not to drown.


End file.
